Aloha(locaust): 12-year-old candidate to offer Hawai'i to Jews

He's only 12 years old, but Kourosh Mozouni already knows how to find Hawai'i on a map, and he's damn confident that, if elected Iran's next president, he'll be able to convince all Israelis to move there.

The precocious pre-teen is the 171st and littlest candidate to officially register for Iran's upcoming presidential election, scheduled for June 12. He unveiled his campaign platform at a rally in Tehran yesterday, beaming to an adoring crowd and confidently asserting that Iran's "mothers, children and young adults will vote for me."

Mr. Mozouni's ambitious agenda includes banning video games ("they encourage an indolent comportment in Iran's proud citizenry"); giving mothers the right to work ("verily a mother's hand offers strength as her enduring love engenders wisdom"); and free refrigerator-repair education for all ("You all have refrigerators at home but do you know the different parts of it?").

And, once elected to Iran's highest elected office, the lil' tyke plans a summit with his American counterpart, the objective of which shall be the successful and fair-market-value purchase of the Hawai'ian islands, which Mr. Mozouni will offer to the Jews as a new homeland.

According to the campaign, the original tribes of Israel will be apportioned to the Hawai'ian islands. The Levites, in keeping with Biblical tradition, do not share in the apportionment of the land.

Kourosh Mozouni seems to have some support amongst the masses, but Iran's secretive ayatollocracy still holds ultimate sway; the supreme Guardian Council vets all presidential hopefuls before the election, and the wee Kourosh is not expected to make the final cut.