How to Twitter a Free Iran

As the election protests in Iran enter their second week, authorities are cracking down on real journalists and (ahem) citizen journalists (bloggers, facebookians, twitterese, flikrish) alike who are disseminating the information that allows the clandestine organization of the protests to continue.

Most of you out there in Twitterland have already been told to set your location setting to Tehran and your time zone to GMT +3:30 (Iranian time); Iranian authorities are tracking cyberdissent by these and other measures, so as the theory goes, the more non-Iranians that tweet in Iranian disguise, the fewer actual Iranian agitators the Ayatollah will be able to track down, shut down, and shut up.

From a posting on #iranelections cyberwar guide for beginners,* here are the ways in which you can help free Iran from your own home, office or Starbucks La-Z-Boy:

1. Do NOT publicise proxy IP’s over twitter, and especially not using the #iranelection hashtag. Security forces are monitoring this hashtag, and the moment they identify a proxy IP they will block it in Iran. If you are creating new proxies for the Iranian bloggers, DM them to @stopAhmadi or @iran09 and they will distributed them discretely to bloggers in Iran.
2. Hashtags, the only two legitimate hashtags being used by bloggers in Iran are #iranelection and #gr88, other hashtag ideas run the risk of diluting the conversation.
3. Keep your bull$hit filter up! Security forces are now setting up twitter accounts to spread disinformation by posing as Iranian protesters. Please don’t retweet impetuosly, try to confirm information with reliable sources before retweeting. The legitimate sources are not hard to find and follow.
4. Help cover the bloggers: change your twitter settings so that your location is TEHRAN and your time zone is GMT +3.30. Security forces are hunting for bloggers using location and timezone searches. If we all become ‘Iranians’ it becomes much harder to find them.
5. Don’t blow their cover! If you discover a genuine source, please don’t publicise their name or location on a website. These bloggers are in REAL danger. Spread the word discretely through your own networks but don’t signpost them to the security forces. People are dying there, for real, please keep that in mind.
6. Denial of Service attacks. If you don’t know what you are doing, stay out of this game. Only target those sites the legitimate Iranian bloggers are designating. Be aware that these attacks can have detrimental effects to the network the protesters are relying on. Keep monitoring their traffic to note when you should turn the taps on or off.
7. Do spread the (legitimate) word, it works! When the bloggers asked for twitter maintenance to be postponed using the #nomaintenance tag, it had the desired effect. As long as we spread good information, provide moral support to the protesters, and take our lead from the legitimate bloggers, we can make a constructive contribution.

*The instructions also come with a warning: "Please remember that this is about the future of the Iranian people, while it might be exciting to get caught up in the flow of participating in a new meme, do not lose sight of what this is really about."

In other words, please don't meme and run. The Twitter Revolution needs you!

Ayatollocracy Votes Today

Iran's presidential elections are today!

Defending champion Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the slight favourite to repeat, after running what has been called a "dirty" campaign against his rivals, and principally his main challenger, former Prime Minister Mir Hossein Musavi.

Mr. Musavi is seen as the progressive candidate, supported by former president Mohammed Khatami, who withdrew from the race in March after a brief flirtation with another run at the top.

One of the biggest story lines of the campaign is whether Mr. Musavi could separate himself from Mehdi Karrubi, former Speaker of Parliament and also considered a progressive candidate. Iranian moderates and progressives fear a vote-split between the two, which of course would favour Mr. Ahmadinejad.

The fourth and final approved candidate, Mohsen Rezai, former chief of Iran's Revolutionary Guards--the elite state police unit--is considered a long shot and who is still a wanted man in Argentina for his alleged role in the 1994 bombing of a Jewish community centre.

Women in cities, students and ethnic minorities--all of whom tend to vote more progressive than the national average--figure to play a prominent role in today's outcome.

The two front-runners have sparred mainly over domestic and economic policies. They agree very generally on Iran's right to nuclear technology, although Mr. Musavi has accused Mr. Ahmadinejad of turning Iran into a pariah state over the issue. Both agree that the West's attitude toward Iran must change, but the progressive candidate has tacitly argued for dialogue with the Obama administration.

An unbelievably exhaustive analysis of the candidates is here. Read on, and follow the results as the day continues. Big day for Iran and the world.

[Left to right in the photograph: Rezai, Ahmadinejad, Karrubi, Musavi]

Aloha(locaust): 12-year-old candidate to offer Hawai'i to Jews

He's only 12 years old, but Kourosh Mozouni already knows how to find Hawai'i on a map, and he's damn confident that, if elected Iran's next president, he'll be able to convince all Israelis to move there.

The precocious pre-teen is the 171st and littlest candidate to officially register for Iran's upcoming presidential election, scheduled for June 12. He unveiled his campaign platform at a rally in Tehran yesterday, beaming to an adoring crowd and confidently asserting that Iran's "mothers, children and young adults will vote for me."

Mr. Mozouni's ambitious agenda includes banning video games ("they encourage an indolent comportment in Iran's proud citizenry"); giving mothers the right to work ("verily a mother's hand offers strength as her enduring love engenders wisdom"); and free refrigerator-repair education for all ("You all have refrigerators at home but do you know the different parts of it?").

And, once elected to Iran's highest elected office, the lil' tyke plans a summit with his American counterpart, the objective of which shall be the successful and fair-market-value purchase of the Hawai'ian islands, which Mr. Mozouni will offer to the Jews as a new homeland.

According to the campaign, the original tribes of Israel will be apportioned to the Hawai'ian islands. The Levites, in keeping with Biblical tradition, do not share in the apportionment of the land.

Kourosh Mozouni seems to have some support amongst the masses, but Iran's secretive ayatollocracy still holds ultimate sway; the supreme Guardian Council vets all presidential hopefuls before the election, and the wee Kourosh is not expected to make the final cut.

Iranian Presidential Candidate in Hot Water over Middle Name

Former Iranian President Mohammad G. Khatami announced this week that he will once again run for his country's highest elected office when Iranians go to the polls in June.

Mr. Khatami was president of Iran from 1997-2005, during which time he was known as a moderate and reformer who expanded social, economic and political freedoms in Iran. He has criticized his rival, current President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, for turning Iran into a pariah state.

Mr. Ahmadinejad, or "Dina" as we like to call him, was feeling a bit on the defensive until a news story, released by Fox News Iran, revealed that the "G" of Mohammad G. Khatami's middle initial actually stands for 'George.'

Now it is Mr. Khatami who is on the defensive, as his campaign has been forced to deflect criticism that his middle name sounds an awful lot like Iran's sworn enemy, George W. Bush.

Already many Fox News Iran pundits are calling Mr. Khatami by his full name whenever they mention him, and are questioning his patriotism.

Here's a partial transcript of an interview yesterday between Fox News Iran and candidate Khatami:

Fox News Iran: "George? Isn't that a terrorist name?"

Mohammad Khatami: "No, it is the name of one of my ancestors."

FNI: "It sounds like a terrorist name."

MK: "It's not a-"

FNI: "Seriously, are you really Iranian?"

MK: "Yes of course. I was president for 8 years. And if the people of Iran elect me again-"

FNI: "But George is a Christian name. So you're not a Muslim?"

MK: "I am a servant of Allah, a cleric, a man of peace and-"

FNI: "Wait, wait. So you are a Christian."

MK: "I am a Muslim."

FNI: "But you just said you are a Christian."

MK: "No, you said-"

FNI: Your name is George. You grew up in Germany, a Christian country. Do you eat Schnitzel?"

MK: "No, well yes, I've eaten Schnitzel. But I only studied in Germany. I was born on Iranian soil."

FNI: "Oh really, then what colour is our flag?"

MK: "It's red and white and green."

FNI: "Aha! It's pistachio green. Not just any green. If you were a real Iranian you would have used the qualifier 'pistachio.'"

MK: "Wha-"

FNI: "How long have you been an ally of our enemy George, your namesake?"

MK: [Staring in disbelief]

FNI: "How long have you been following the teachings of Jesus Christ?"

MK: "But in the Holy Qur'an, it says..."

FNI: "Aha, so you are a Christian. Why don't you just go to Israel."

MK: "But Israel is a Jewish country."

FNI: "Oh, so you're Jewish now, are you?"

MK: "This is ridiculous."

FNI: "Are you saying that because you're some sort of terrorist Christian Jew terrorist who's called George who is a terrorist?"

MK: "I'm leaving."

FNI: "Well, there you have it. Mohammad George Khatami, left-wing radical candidate for president of Iran. Thanks for being on our show."