The Stewart-Colbert Road Map for Middle East Peace

This month the Comedy Central duo of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert released an advance draft of their highly anticipated Road Map for Middle East Peace, and there is no questioning where the comic cartographers sit on the controversial issues of land dispute between Israel and Palestine. As revealed recently in broadcasts of their respective and influential political shows, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, having assessed the facts of the heretofore intractable quarrel, Stewart and Colbert appear united in their drawing of Israel:

Notice that on both maps, what appears to be a beaver-toothed bite taken out of Israel's eastern border is indeed the fullest extent of the West Bank along the so-called 'Green Line' of the 1967 ceasefire, right down to the Latrun pimple dangling just northwest of Jerusalem, which was one of the first areas of the West Bank to be commandeered by the Israeli military after the Six Day War conquest. 

Quite clearly, the Stewart-Colbert Peace Plan envisions a free Palestine at the 1967 borders, not along lines drawn since by Israel's settlements in Judea and Samaria, nor by the infamous separation wall. 

Furthermore, we notice that beyond a doubt the Stewart-Colbert map does not grant even the so-called Jerusalem suburb settlements (Ma'aleh Adumim, Pisgat Ze'ev, Ramot Allon, Neve Ya'akov, Gilo, Har Homa, et al) to Israel, even though Israel effectively annexed East Jerusalem in 1980.

The Gaza Strip, to be sure, is carved out and served to Palestine in the Stewart-Colbert plan, but Israel has long wished away that parcel of poverty. 

More subtly but just as critical to a comprehensive settlement in the region, the Stewart-Colbert Road Map for Middle East Peace evidently has not awarded the Golan Heights to Israel, either. Israel formally annexed the upland region of its northeastern frontier in 1981, after having captured it from Syria in '67 and held it in '73. 

Perhaps this is a nod to the hoped-for liberation of Syria by the rebels fighting the regime of Bashar al-Assad: in a post-Arab-Spring Middle East, Israel will, say Stewart and Colbert, gladly return the Golan to its previous owners.

Will this latest attempt at a two-state solution in Israelestine be as laughable as those of earlier shuttle diplomats and political cartographers. Stay tuned to your favourite comedy shows to find out the truth.

Christ's boyhood house discovered just as everyone is talking about him again

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even... wait, wait, wait. Someone is stirring. It's that little rugrat, belongs to Mary and Joe. Little what's-his-name. What's he playing?

Where did Jesus play? Right there (possibly), according to a team of archaeologists in Israel, who've just dug up an approximately two-thousand-year-old home in the city of Nazareth, coincidentally just in time for the holiday when Christians celebrate the birth of their approximately two-thousand-year-old savior.

Round about two millenia ago in this town, an angel delivered a one-line memo from God to Mary that said "You're preggers" and advised her to head for Bethlehem. The subsequent parts of that legend have been laid down allegorically in the best-selling book of all time, "The Bible: Or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the God-Baby" (subtitle later dropped by marketing department).

What the gospels--those that made the final cut--didn't much tell us is how Jesus grew up, did in school, got on with his mates, fared on the football team, got punished for breaking curfew, and rebelled against his parents by screaming "I wish I'd never been born of the one true God in a smelly barn surrounded by donkeys."

Until now, believers and skeptics alike have only been able to imagine in their mind's eye how Jesus must have lived in the town of Nazareth between the ages of zero and thirty.

But now, thanks to some timely digging in the parking lot directly opposite the Church of the Annunciation, which is built on the spot where Mary is believed to have been sitting knitting when she received God's angel-fax, we can all see exactly where Jesus spent his youth: in a hole in the ground.

For you see, much like today's Nazareth--which is a mostly Palestinian-Arab-inhabited Israeli city with a mixed Muslim and Christian population whose economy relies heavily on tourist dollars from foreign Christians while they otherwise face economic discrimination--the Nazareth of Christ's boyhood was also a poor place, and thus it is not surprising that Jesus and his family lived in the dirt.

The credibility of this theory is certainly being touted by Israel's Ministry of Taking Dollars from Christians, a spokesperson for which said, "We were, er, as surprised as anyone that there was this two-thousand-year-old dirt home here in Nazareth where your Messiah happened to live, and further that we found it, hehe, just in time for your celebration of his, uh, totally believable virgin birth."

In related news, the Palestinian Ministry of Taking Dollars from Christians Brave Enough to Cross Israeli Checkpoints has announced it has started digging in the parking lot outside Bethlehem's Nativity Church. "Maybe we'll find a sandal or something," said a spokesperson. "Perhaps Jesus dropped a baby rattle on his way out of town. If it's here, we'll find it. Please come visit. Please. Pleeeeeease."

Israel's Rage Against the Machine saves Christmas

Millions of Israeli Jews and the reported Arabs who live amongst them were saved from certain catastrophe this week when Israeli border guards fought and destroyed a deadly intruder to their land.

The laptop computer of 21-year-old American student Lily Sussman was discovered at a border crossing between Egypt and Israel trying to sneak into the promised land under the disguise of an American student's laptop computer.

According to witnesses, Ms. Sussman was carrying the machine--a so-called "MacBook"--on her person as she tried to enter Israel. She was allegedly unaware that her benign-looking companion was actually at the top of Israel's most-wanted list.

"Yeah, we've been looking for that sonofabitch for years," said a spokeperson for Israel's Ministry of Defence Against the Dark Arts. "But all Israelis can sleep soundly tonight. That, er, item will not be threatening us again."

As Ms. Sussman reported on her blog, the Israeli border authorities seized her laptop, dragged it out back and shot it three times. The grieving student concluded that her computer was targeted because of its purported pro-Palestinian keyboard layout ( ضصثقفغ instead of QWERTY), but this blogger senses a more clandestine motive.

The Tuque Souq has learned that the offending laptop computer matches the description of a certain machine that was sent back in time by the leader of a future cyborg insurgency to destroy in the present the mother of the unborn future savior of the planet, who reportedly lives with her husband just outside of Nazareth although she has been seen in the Bethlehem area recently.

"That's one Christmas story that will have a happy ending," said the Israeli soldier wittily as he shot the laptop, before adding, "Hasta la vista, baby."

(The soldier is now being sued by James Cameron for copyright infringement.)

Israel facing hollow cost of hummus

The Israeli ministry of preemptive strikes has warned the government that the country is falling dangerously behind its rivals in the Middle East's newest arms race, known as the Hummus War.

Over the weekend, Lebanon put on a show of force, announcing to the world that it had added to its arsenal a 2056-kilogram bowl of hummus and a 3557-kilogram bowl of tabbouleh.

Both dishes are world records; previously America held the hummus record at a mere 363 kilos. The tabbouleh included 1600 kilos of parsley, a forest roughly the size of the Negev.

Thousands of Lebanese nationalists marched through the streets of downtown Beirut behind the parade of oversized mezze, singing and chanting provocative slogans aimed squarely at their country's rival.

"Our aim is clear," said one Lebanese chef who asked not to be named Suleiman. "These dishes should be exclusively Lebanese, with an appellation similar to Greek feta, Scotch whisky, and Canadian bacon."

Israel remains in a state of high alert and extreme hunger (a southerly wind carried the aroma across the border from Lebanon).

"It's a new cold war," said an aide to Israel's minister of offensive food, "insofar as most of these dishes are served cold. Okay, some of them are better at room temperature. But I think I've made my point, which is that Israel will not be wiped off the map."

Indeed, many outside observers note that because the Israeli military has invested only in tanks and razor wire and nuclear weapons, the country is ill-equipped to match weaponry in this new theatre of war.

The government of Lebanon has maintained that these colossal plates of hummus and tabbouleh are defensive deterrents, existing to keep the country safe (and very, very regular). But at the sight of all those pureed chick peas, Lebanon's masses are primed for war.

One thing appears certain: If Israel tries to break the record, Lebanon will have the garbanzos to fight back.

Israel envisions revisions, then revises guises

The Israeli ministry of education has announced a recall of a new Hebrew-language high school history textbook in which Palestinian claims of violent ethnic cleansing during the 1948 Arab-Israeli war are presented alongside the longstanding Israeli argument that 750,000 Palestinians simply decided to move to Lebanon all at once (and coincidentally during a war).

The book, written entirely by Israeli scholars and earlier approved by the ministry, was thought to be the first Israeli school text to present any possibility of legitimate Palestinian claims to the land that is now Israel. But it seems Israeli high schoolers won't be getting all the facts this term.

The recall is an ironic twist on Israel's regularly scheduled textbook policy, in which the Israeli government and its legions of rightest supporters have long accused the Palestinians of employing textbooks with anti-Israel biases (or at least that present a worldview that diminishes prevailing Western historical foci), although it is well documented that most of the offending textbooks were written prior to the Oslo Accords by textbook companies in Egypt and Jordan.* (Still, Palestinian textbooks today, shockingly, do not go out of their way to celebrate the birth of Israel, either.)

CAFE OY VEY
In related news, many coffee shops across Israel are refusing to serve Turkish coffee, owing to an ongoing diplomatic spat between Israel and Turkey. Turkish coffee is a popular brew in the Middle East in which finely ground coffee beans are boiled thick in a small pot and served with their dregs in Lilliputian cups.

The boycott will not affect the Palestinian territories, where like most Arab countries the coffee-related historical revisionism has long since renamed Turkish coffee as "Arabic coffee." Considering that the "Turkish" in Turkish coffee describes the origin of a vaguely unique brewing process (and is really more of a self-applied tribute to the colonial Ottoman-era coffee culture) and not the origin of a particular bean, the revision is considered justified.

As such, Israel should embrace alternative history in this case, especially now that Istanbul boulangeries have started to sell "culturally appropriated unleavened flat cakes" with apricots.

* For an exhaustive academic review of the campaign against Palestinian textbooks, read "The International Controversy Regarding Palestinian Textbooks" by Nathan J. Brown, professor of Political Science and International Affairs at George Washington University.

Syria dumps two-timing Facebook over Golan affair

"Men always want to be a woman's first love; women like to be a man's last romance. " -- Oscar Wilde.

Syria. She's a loyal gal. She's a one social-media-forum kind of woman. She's dated around, cautiously: Twitter, Skype, The Tuque Souq. But then she picked her favourite: Facebook. And for awhile, she and Facebook had a good thing going. It wasn't easy; she has a bit of the emotional baggage of Lebanon with a dash of the co-dependent tendencies of Iran. But Facebook grew on her, and she finally accepted that she could be loved.

Then she found out about the affair. Facebook was two-timing her. And with her bitter rival: Israel.

The affair took place in the rolling fertile hills of the Golan Heights, where cool breezes and waterfalls beckon lovers intent on a tryst.

From the beginning of their relationship until just a few weeks ago, Facebook considered the Golan Heights part of Syria; if when you created a Facebook profile your biographical information included the Golan Heights as a place of residence, Facebook would automatically consider your country of residence "Syria."

(For those of you just joining us, Israel captured the Golan Heights from Syria in 1967 and has held the region ever since; Syria (like most of the world) considers it Syrian territory and expects it back someday in a hypothetical peace agreement.)

But after a campaign by Israeli settlers in the Golan, Facebook altered its policy and now allows users from the Israeli-occupied region to choose which way they want to swing, whether they want their profiles to proclaim them from Israel or Syria. Facebook wants it both ways.

So Syria says to Facebook: "Just turn around now, you're not welcome anymore." Many Syrians and their sympathetic neighbours have launched a boycott of Facebook* in protest. Will they survive?

* Irony alert: Syria has blocked Facebook access in the past, but Net-savvy Syrians often get around the blockade by going through proxy sites that offer shadow IP addresses to conceal one's country of origin. Now, with Syrians engaging a self-blockading boycott, Syria's government won't lose sleep over how to keep its nationals from logging on and posting pithy status updates.

TIFF tiff doesn't end with Festival's closure

It's been a helluva two weeks for the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF), what with Colin Farrell knocking up a mermaid, Oprah pushing her weight around, Michael Moore's apparently unintentional irony of buying high/selling low on Capitalism, and Atom Egoyan filming a movie in Toronto that is actually (gasp) set in Toronto.

Woven within what was overall a rather less-than-starry festival (no offense, Bono) was the controversy surrounding TIFF's so-called City-to-City program, which debuted this year with the spotlight on Tel Aviv.

A protest movement led by various film producers, directors, actors and random famous people (along with hordes of anyone-can-fill-out-an-online-petition folks) strongly opposed TIFF's aligning its stars with Israel's largest city. In the midst of it all, a host of very talented and successful Egyptian films were withdrawn from the festival in protest.

The city of Tel Aviv is celebrating its 100th birthday this year (which pretty much makes it the youngest city in the Middle East; nearby Jericho is 10,000 years old). The centuries-old Palestinian city of Jaffa, around and on top of which Tel Aviv was built, is the focus--along with the still-recent Gaza War--of the protesters' lament that TIFF erred in choosing a partner city.

TIFF is standing by its selection of Tel Aviv and is already accepting nominations for next year's City-to-City honoree. Candidates include: Mexico City (built atop the destroyed Aztec civilization's capital Tenochtitlan); New York City (once the home of the Lenape Indians); Damascus (which blighted the ancient Aramaean civilization); Istanbul (which was Constantinople, now it's Istanbul not Constantinople); and Rome (built over the ancient ruins of the civilization of, well, Rome).

Of course, unlike these other historical smack-downs, the Palestine issue is not resolved. The "Brand Israel" campaign--and wouldn't Syria want to develop a "Brand Syria" campaign if the Aramaeans still had a voice today?--seeks in a Toronto marketing initiative to emphasize Israel's softer side, the side very few want to hear about when West Bank settlements are going up every day. Hence, the boycott of Israel's softer side at TIFF.

In related news, the Toronto Palestine Film Festival gets underway later this month. As far as we know, Bono won't be there.

Palestine launches Intifada against Guinness Records book

Frustrated by yet another roadblock on their 61-year journey for statehood, Palestine has declared a new Intifada--on the Guinness Book of World Records.

Recently a Palestinian baker from the West Bank city of Nablus set a world record for the largest knafeh ever made: 1350 kilos and 150 square meters of sweet, cheesy, pistachioed goodness. (Despite the testimony of Israeli settlers, it seems that this knafeh was not intended to be their housewarming gift.)

And a blind Ramallah civil servant named Mohamed Hashem is believed to hold the world record for most telephone numbers memorized: 80,000 phone numbers. (Since Ramallah only has a population of 30,000, we can assume that the rest of the phone numbers Mr. Hashem has committed to memory are of the 50,000 Israeli settlers who live within shouting distance of his house.)

With the surge in national pride owing to these record-breaking achievements, the Palestinian Ministry of Ambiguous Bureaucracy has announced a new campaign to verify other Palestinian-held world records, including:

• Most number of Israeli settlers spotted in one day building houses on your land;
• Most number of Israeli checkpoints established on your roads the day after they promised to dismantle them;
• Least number of times confusing the word 'outpost' with the words 'patently illegal settlement';
• Most number of times saying 'We told you so' about Benjamin Netanyahu;
• Longest interruption in a semi-professional soccer league owing to conflict with Israel;
• Most mathematically impossible ratio of Google News hits to the number of times being in the news actually ended the illegal occupation of your country.

In related news, Israel's Ministry of Random Acts of Oppression announced a ban on all sales of the Guinness Book of World Records in the Palestinian territories.

Bahrain wins Coupe de Ramadan 2009

In an epic battle in which the opposing sides pitted not just their soccer skills but also their piety, humility, reverence, atonement and self-purification against each other, Bahrain eliminated Saudi Arabia in a World Cup qualification match with a 2-2 draw in Riyadh.

The match started at well past 10pm local time due to Ramadan--the ninth and holiest month of the Islamic calendar during which many Muslims fast and pray by day and feast and (according to some interpretations) play soccer by night.

Bahrain's substitute midfielder Ismail Abdullatif proved to be the holiest, most reverent player on the pitch, as his diving header just seconds from the final whistle shocked the host Saudis and sent them crashing out of the two-legged elimination match on the away goals rule.

The two sides drew 0-0 in the first leg at Bahrain's National Stadium in Manama last week, a game in which the Saudis' stellar goalkeeper Waleed Abdullah showed off his piety and atonement by making save after gilded save.

The victory for Bahrain now means the tiny island nation is just one small step away from its first ever World Cup finals berth--a home-and-away playoff versus New Zealand in November for the right to book a ticket to South Africa. Meanwhile, after qualifying for 5 straight World Cup finals, the Saudis are out.

In related news, this year marked the very first time ever that the Saudi Council of Senior Scholars--the country's arbiters of all things religious and one of the most important authorities in the Sunni Muslim world--permitted the use of telescopes to determine the start of Ramadan (sighting the crescent after a new moon).

On the other hand, Bahrain--a mostly Muslim country two-thirds of whom are Shi'ite--not only still relies on the naked eye to determine the start of Ramadan, it often relies on two or three naked eyes which don't always see the same thing. Very often, the country's Shia and Sunni communities do not begin the holy month at the same time!

However, this year proved to be a rare harmony of naked-eye moon sightings, as Bahrain's two Muslim communites actually agreed on the start date for Ramadan. Clearly Bahrain's subsequent triumph on the soccer field shows us just what Allah thinks of telescopes.

And speaking of atonement, no one is gearing up for Yom Kippur quite like the Israeli national soccer team. After a humiliating 1-0 home loss to Latvia last week that saw them all but eliminate themselves from qualification, the Team of David atoned with a 7-0 thumping of lowly Luxembourg at Ramat Gan stadium, after which they remain infinitesimally mathematically alive to qualify with two games remaining.

Israeli Prime Minister heads off to Fantasy Camp

Israeli prime minister Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu delivered a little fairy tale of a speech [full text] last weekend at Bar Ilan University in Tel Aviv, specifically timed as a sort of response to U.S. president Barack Obama's earlier speech in Cairo.

Netanyahu had promised to speak "honestly and courageously" about the future of the Middle East peace process. What he was, in fact, honest and courageous about was the fact that he has been living in fantasy land for most of the past 16 years.

No, seriously. After delivering the speech, in which he seemed to have no grasp of any progress made in Israeli-Palestinian negotiatons in recent memory, Netanyahu got back on the bus to Middle East Fantasy Camp, where apparently he's been spending most of his time since 1993.

Recently, the Tuque Souq intercepted an email that Benjamin Netanyahu sent home to his family from his fantasy world:

Hello mother, hello father,
It's great to be back here at Fantasy Camp after my exhausting journey into reality. I hope the speech went over well. One of the counsellors here helped me with it.

It was a great day here at the camp. We built another 3 new settlements in Samaria this morning, and some of the kids from from the Kedumim section put up some outposts in the Judean hills. They're really getting good at it now.

Yup, Fantasy Israel is really turning out to be a great place to be. It's so nice not having any Arabs around... or what are they calling them these days... 'Palestinians'? Whatever. I've never heard of 'Palestinia'. Sounds made up, like that other imaginary place, Canadia.

Of course, we're still building a Separation Wall here. But just for fun. This morning me and Goldie went for a walk in the hills. We thought we got lost for awhile, but luckily some nice friendly settlers helped us find our way back. Who needs a Road Map when you've got settlers?!

I think I mentioned in my speech how totally awesome the settlers are, and how I hope they just keep growing and growing, naturally... you know, with the storks bringing them more settler babies.

And how cool is it that there are no more Arabs anywhere, including Jerusalem, so Israel can be a totally Jewish place? I mean, sure there were some Arabs here before 1948. But then they left, and we haven't seen them since.

You can't really imagine it until you are here. I mean, all that stuff you have to deal with--occupation, an Apartheid-like situation, international law, the peace process, human dignity--they totally don't exist here. We built the Third Temple last week. Heck, next week we'll build a fourth, right on the beach in Gaza. Why not?!

Oh sure, Fantasy Iran got a little upset and threatened us with Fantasy nukes, but we just nuked 'em first! Then we nuked Oman, just because we can.

Anyway, I'd better end this letter soon. Tonight me and some friends are going down to the Jordan river to skip stones. Then there's a bonfire in what used to be Jericho. Now it's a playground.

Lots of love,
Bibi

(Sigh.)

Middle East wipes itself off the map

Once upon a time, Iran's president said he wanted to wipe Israel off the map. Last month, British budget airline BMI beat him to it; the low-cost, no-frills airline caused a stir among London-Tel Aviv passengers who noticed that the map in the plane's in-flight brochure had omitted their country of destination. In its place: "Mecca."

Well, Israel is no stranger to massive relaliation: last week the Israeli ministry of tourism launched an advertising campaign in Britain whose accompanying maps do not delineate the occupied Palestinian territories, but rather show a bright yellow Israel from sea to Dead Sea.

Poof! Israel, gone. Palestine, gone.

So with both Israel and Palestine wiped off the map, the political geography of the Middle East is undergoing a transformation not seen since the Sykes-Picot conspiracy drew wide arcing lines all over the sand in 1916.

First, a group of development investors from Dubai swooped in on the now-wiped Holy Land and claimed it; they plan to call it "Dubai West" and fill in the Dead Sea with islands in the shapes of an olive tree and a Magen David.

Iran, vexed at missing the opportunity to wipe Israel off the map itself, had to settle for wiping the Sinai off the map instead. As an upside, this now settles the debate about whether Egypt is African or Asian.

Kuwait settled its old score with Iraq, wiping it off the map and replacing it with the glib "Kuwait II".

The United States, seeing the chaos ensue in its favourite oil garden, quickly moved to annex Saudi Arabia as the 51st state; they had to tweak the name a bit so it sounded more Native American.

Oman sold out to the highest corporate bidder, wiping itself off the map. And Lebanon finally threw in the towel versus its rival Syria; if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Ladies and gentlemen, here it is: your new Middle East map.


Unless there's more map-wiping to come.

Israel fails to make peace with Eurovision Song Contest

The Israeli tandem of Noa & Mira Awad--a Jew and an Arab representin' together with their song of peace, "There must be another way"--finished a disappointing 16th (out of 42) at this year's Eurovision Song Contest, the 54th annual event which stops all of Europe in its tracks for 5 days each May.

Norway was the winner at this year's event, held in Moscow. Israel's drought reached 11 years (it last won in 1998; also in 1978 and in 1979). Could be worse: Portugal is now 0-for-46 in the competition.

Pope flunks Facebook quiz, leadership in doubt

Pope Benedict XVI's 1.1 billion Facebook friends were stunned this morning to read a wall posting from the pontiff that blared: "Pope B-16 just took the Holy Land Trivia quiz and scored 56%. Can you do better?"

"OMFG," said one commenter. "I know more holy stuff than the pope."

Vatican officials say that Benedict was hoping for a little downtime after a long day standing in line at Israeli checkpoints in the West Bank, so he curled up at his Bethlehem hotel with his laptop and a virgin Bloody Mary and sank into Facebook.

His Holiness is already having a rough week in the religion department, ever since he arrived in the Holy Land having forgotten to pack his mea culpa. Muslim leaders in Jordan were hoping for an apology for the pontiff's 2006 remarks criticizing the prophet Muhammad. Jewish leaders in Israel wanted an apology for the Vatican's passive voice during the Holocaust. Christian leaders in Palestine were simply hoping the Pope and some of his friends would move in with them.

This week Benedict has also had to confront his Nazi past, deal with getting around Israel's Separation Wall in the West Bank, and restore hope to his flock in the Middle East. It's been, well, a crucifying ordeal.

According to a Vatican spokesperson, the pontiff was extremely tired, dehydrated and suffering from Jerusalem Syndrome when he logged on to his Facebook account, which may explain why he missed such quiz questions as Where is the Mount of Olives?; How many Stations of the Cross are there?; and What was Jesus's middle name?*

Vatican officials quickly moved to assure the world's 1.1 billion Catholics that the pope would do better next time. Meanwhile, they downplayed speculation that in the future pontiffs might be chosen based on how well they do on the quiz.**

The moral of this modern biblical story: Let he who is without sin try to deal with all that sh*t.

* OMG - JK :-)
** The Holy Land Trivia quiz on Facebook is a creation of the Israeli consulate in New York City, which hopes to entice American Christians to follow the pope's pilgrimmage to Israel and spend lots of money and love Israel blindly, etc, etc.

Aloha(locaust): 12-year-old candidate to offer Hawai'i to Jews

He's only 12 years old, but Kourosh Mozouni already knows how to find Hawai'i on a map, and he's damn confident that, if elected Iran's next president, he'll be able to convince all Israelis to move there.

The precocious pre-teen is the 171st and littlest candidate to officially register for Iran's upcoming presidential election, scheduled for June 12. He unveiled his campaign platform at a rally in Tehran yesterday, beaming to an adoring crowd and confidently asserting that Iran's "mothers, children and young adults will vote for me."

Mr. Mozouni's ambitious agenda includes banning video games ("they encourage an indolent comportment in Iran's proud citizenry"); giving mothers the right to work ("verily a mother's hand offers strength as her enduring love engenders wisdom"); and free refrigerator-repair education for all ("You all have refrigerators at home but do you know the different parts of it?").

And, once elected to Iran's highest elected office, the lil' tyke plans a summit with his American counterpart, the objective of which shall be the successful and fair-market-value purchase of the Hawai'ian islands, which Mr. Mozouni will offer to the Jews as a new homeland.

According to the campaign, the original tribes of Israel will be apportioned to the Hawai'ian islands. The Levites, in keeping with Biblical tradition, do not share in the apportionment of the land.

Kourosh Mozouni seems to have some support amongst the masses, but Iran's secretive ayatollocracy still holds ultimate sway; the supreme Guardian Council vets all presidential hopefuls before the election, and the wee Kourosh is not expected to make the final cut.

Tuque Souq Spring Break

The Tuque Souq is on a Spring Break this week. But we'll be back soon, in fact just in time for coverage of the Algerian presidential elections. [Spoiler Alert: Louisa Hanoune, leader of the Algeria Worker's Party, attempting to become the first female head of state in the Arab World, will not win.]

And to distract you from reading any real news in our absence, we've compiled a list of the Top Ten (subjectively) funniest Israelestine-related Onion articles from the past 20 years.

10. Bin Laden sends belated threat to Israel for 60th birthday
June 3, 2008
9. Israel agrees to the creation of a Palestinian homeroom
April 2, 1997
8. God re-floods Middle East
May 1, 2002
7. Israel intercepts massive Palestinian rock shipment
November 5, 1996
6. Israelis, Palestinians agree to share headline
July 16, 2003
5. Palestine appoints new Minister of Rubble
November 19, 2003
4. Conflict ends as Israel returns lawnmower to Palestine
December 3, 2008
3. Hamas calls for 'Giant Summit' with all Israelis
Feb 15, 2006
2. War talks begin at Camp Goliath
July 26, 2000
1. Sexual tension between Arafat, Sharon reaches breaking point
May 29, 2002

Israel constructs giant hands to defend Gaza borders

This wildly popular YouTube video--produced by Gisha, an Israeli organization that advocates freedom of movement for Palestinian civilians in Gaza--depicts a Gazan boy running around trying to get out of Gaza, only to be blocked at each turn by a giant hand.

[Note the sleeve above the hand that blocks him at the Rafah border is striped like the Egyptian flag. I suppose we are to believe that all the other giant hands are Israelis because they are sleeveless and hairy.]

Big Dance for Waltz with Bashir? [Update: No]

The much-celebrated, must-see animated documentary Waltz with Bashir--an Israeli film by Ari Folman about one man's journey to reconstruct his memory of war--is expected to land the honour of Best Foreign-Language Film at tonight's Oscar bash, the 81st Academy Awards.

On its way to the Oscars, Waltz with Bashir has picked up the U.S. Writer's Guild award for Best Documentary, Best Foreign Film at the Golden Globes, and Best Picture by the U.S. Society of Film Critics (a tough bunch to impress). It also won 6 Israeli Ophir awards (the Israeli Academy Awards).

Despite its surface topic--the Israeli invasion of Lebanon in 1982 and Israel's oversight of the massacres at Sabra and Shatilla--the film was received well and thoughtfully in Israel.

The Tuque Souq enthusiastically gives it 2 thumbs up (though I'm still of two minds about the stylistic decision made at the end of the film, which I won't spoil), and highly recommends pairing the film with the legendary narrative journey into a memory of the Lebanon War, Mahmoud Darwish's Memory for Forgetfulness--a classic and unforgettable book!

Waltz with Bashir is Israeli cinema's eighth nomination for Best Foreign-Language Film; the previous seven all came up short, including Joseph Cedar's Beaufort last year (a film also about the Lebanon War).

Only 1 Arab or Middle Eastern film has ever won even half of this award: the Academy considers Z, the 1969 winner for Best Foreign-Language Film, a French/Algerian film. Algeria has had 3 other nominations. Iran (Children of Heaven; 1998) and Palestine (Paradise Now; 2005) have had 1 each.

[Oscar Update 1: Waltz with Bashir did not win at tonight's Oscars. Um, I hope I didn't jinx it.]

[Oscar Update 2: Yes, Philip Seymour Hoffman was wearing a tuque tonight. More on this development as it develops.]

How to start your own Israeli settlement in 7 easy steps

So, you want to start your own settlement in the West Bank and you're not sure how to do it. Well, assuming you're not Palestinian, it's a super easy, gluten-free recipe:

First: Find some land
You need a starting point, an existing settlement, preferably one whose residents have a history of settlement activism, violence, racism, and/or messianism. For example's sake, let's say Efrat. Efrat (or Efrata) is located in the southern West Bank, between the Palestinian cities of Bethlehem and Hebron, in a circuitous cluster of settlements known collectively as Gush Etzion. [Click on map to enlarge.]

Second: Take the land
You'll want to strike out on your own by taking over a hilltop or two adjacent to the existing settlement. You can do this in one of two ways. You can either conscript a bunch of gun-toting settler teenagers - known as the Hilltop Youth - to take over your hill, set up a few caravans, and scare the living daylights out of Palestinian civilians.

Or, a more subtle strategy would be to apply to the office of the Commander of the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) Coordinator of Government Operations for Judea and Samaria (aka the West Bank) to have the area of your future settlement declared a 'Closed Military Zone.' You will argue that this is necessary to maintain the safety and security of the current settlers, who need a buffer zone between them and the Palestinians.

Depending on the current situation, it might even help to have some of your more radical settler kin go out into the olive groves and attack Palestinians, to further your contrived evidence that the military should close the area.

Third: Guard the land
The Palestinians will protest the 'closed military zone' with grassroots activism and legal challenges in Israeli courts. You see, this land you're taking over is Palestinian farmland, olive groves, pastures, et cetera; land which has belonged to families and nearby villages for centuries, and for which legal title could have been drawn up in the Ottoman era.

You will counter that the land you want is a natural extension of an existing settlement bloc and, being uninhabited with no legal record since 1948, should therefore fall under the civil jurisdiction of the settlement.

Fourth: Wait out the futile appeals process
Time to wait. While the Palestinians are going through the appeals process, they are in the meantime mostly barred from working the land now in dispute, because of course it is a closed military area. After a few years, it appears that the land really is wild and unclaimed.

In the example of Efrat, Palestinians will make a series of 8 appeals to the IDF Civil Administration for the West Bank (which is subordinate to the IDF's Gov't Ops division) and the Israeli civil courts; all 8 appeals will be rejected. Then a 9th appeal will be accepted by an Israeli court on the grounds that, clearly, this is not a military zone but Palestinian farmland that is essential to the survival of nearby Palestinian communities.

It might seem that your hopes of starting your settlement are dashed. But don't worry; this appeal will be de facto overturned by the pro-settler Civil Administration with the implicit backing of the Israeli military.

How is this possible? Well, even in the odd case where an Israeli court has ruled in favour of a Palestinian claim to West Bank land, it's not like the Israeli courts have the power to actually force the Israeli government to instruct the Israeli military to enforce the rule of Israeli law in a place (the West Bank) that is under perpetual military rule and in perpetual political, legal and jurisdictional limbo.

I mean, what Israeli politician has anything to gain by siding with a pro-Palestinian court ruling? That would be just too crazy.

The land you want for your settlement will be declared 'State Land' and fall into the hands of the Civil Administration (yes, the same outfit that had the de facto power to whimsically overturn the Palestinian appeals), which probably won't even bother to tell the Palestinians what has happened.

Fifth: Lobby your elected officials
Before you can begin formal construction of your settlement (although really, no one is going to stop you at this point), the Civil Administration must allocate jurisdiction of the land to the Israeli Ministry of Housing. This is tricky, because it requires the consent of the Israeli Prime Minister and Defense Minister.

Luckily for you, pro-settler parliamentarians, like Benny Elon, have disproportionately large representation in Israel's government, the Knesset. Time and again, Israel's fractious coalition governments must grease the squeaky settlement wheels in order to function. Either your pro-settler Knesset blocs will trade a few votes with the Prime Minister to have your request approved, or if they are in the coalition they will threaten to pull out and torpedo the government. If you're lucky enough, your Prime Minister might just be a settlement fan himself.

Either way, you're only a Hamas rocket or other distraction away from having the Ministry of Housing formally register your land, at which time you (and you alone) can apply for building permits and start knocking down those thousand-year-old olive trees.

Sixth: Find some settlers
Okay, you've got your (ahem) legal title from the Civil Administration and your construction permits from the Ministry of Housing. Your contractors (if the Israeli military hasn't done this already) extend a road or two from the existing settlement bloc onto your new settlement land. Any number of companies (even Canadian ones) are available to construct your cookie-cutter settlement houses and condos.

The Israeli military is helpfully suppressing any Palestinian initiatives to claim and work their land.

So now, you just need some settlers to live in your settlement. Fortunately, this is the really easy part.

If you want a nice, happy Zionist community without too many radical strings attached, then you'll want to make your pitch to working-class and recent immigrant Israelis with the following incentives:

• The Israeli Ministry of Housing offers low-interest or interest-free mortgages and loans which can essentially turn into grants if you can't pay them back;
• The Israeli Ministry of Education subsidizes most of the costs of education in settlements;
• The Israeli Ministry of Trade provides tax incentives and business grants for anyone starting a business or establishing an industrial zone in a new community, such as a settlement;
• The Israeli Ministry of Labor provides extra benefits to social workers and other community workers to help the new settlement get off the ground;
• The Israeli Ministry of Finance used to offer as much as a 7% income-tax break to settlers; while this has been taken away as of 2003, in general settlers on a per-capita basis are the beneficiaries of 150% more government spending than non-settler Israelis;
• Free Orange T-shirts!
  

Or, if you want to speed up the settlement process and guarantee that your settlers won't agree to any future government plan to relocate them back to Israel as part of some "peace process," you should target ideologically resolute settlers - the Gush Emunim types - whose fervent religious nationalism (and proclivities toward large families) might secure you a more lasting, if more unruly, settlement community.

Seventh: Bake at 500 degrees forever and ever!
Mazel tov! You now have a fully functioning, peace-process-killing, per-capita-GDP-sucking, resource-draining, Palestinian-poverty-perpetuating, international-law-violating, ecologically unsustainable, implicitly racist settlement in the West Bank.

Whether you're planning for the messiah or just your retirement, you're on your way to personal fulfillment at the expense of the well-being, happiness, prosperity, security and hope of millions of other people.

[Related post: Israel admits it's known about settlements for at least 4 years]

Israeli Election 2009: Mayhem edges Chaos at the tape

To the victors go the spoils;
the losers, their pants are soiled.
--William Shakespearey

The results are back from Israel's 18th Knesset elections race. According to exit polls:

Mayhem is the surprise winner, having come from behind to defeat Chaos. In third place, Raging Hatred, while Absence of all Reason finished a distant fourth, just ahead of Medieval Tyranny. And at the back of the pack we have Blind Aggression, Wistfulness, the Party Formerly Known as the Communist Party, Oppressed One and Oppressed Two, and finally, Kill 'em All and Let G-d Sort 'em Out.

It will take some time for Mayhem to form a coalition government, and it will need an Absence of All Reason to function, along with some Medieval Tyranny. But look for Chaos to try to form its own majority bloc also with Medieval Tyranny and some Raging Hatred, and then Kill 'em All and Let G-d Sort 'em Out.

Okay here are the actual exit-poll results of the 2009 Israeli Knesset Elections, for which almost 65% of the country's 5,278,985 eligible voters case a ballot:

Kadima (Mayhem): 30 seats
Likud (Chaos): 28
Yisrael Beitenu (Raging Hatred): 15
Labor (Absence of All Reason): 13
Shas (Medieval Tyranny): 9
United Torah Judaism (Blind Aggression): 5
Meretz (Wistfulness): 5
Hadash (ex-Communists): 4
3 each or fewer to Rahm, Balad, Jewish Home and the National Union

The Knesset factory:

Churning out unruly coalition governments since 1948

MEET THE NEW PRIME MINISTER:
Tzipi (aka "Could be Worse") Livni, head of the Kadima party, will get first crack at forming a coalition government. She'll be Israel's second female Prime Minister. [Note: the first one, Golda Meir, was once described by David Ben-Gurion as "the best man in the Israeli government" -- so she may not count.]

BUD?
Sorry, the Marijuana Holocaust Survivors Party did not win enough votes for a seat in the Knesset. Maybe next time, dudes.

YOU SAID IT:
"Voting in Israel is, in fact, a lot like going to the dentist. For days before you mull it over, you worry. You deny, you hope for the best. There's a nagging ache that you hope will not turn out to be what you fear. You wonder whether it's worth doing this at all. The bottom line: While the best you can hope for may be no better than the way things are now, the worst may be catastrophic. In the end, then, what is the difference between voting in Israel and going to the dentist? [Avigdor] Lieberman."
-- Ha'aretz blogger Bradley Burston

MORE TO COME THIS SEASON:
Finally, don't despair, democracy watchers, for the end of the 2009 Middle East election series. More is on the way. Algeria has a presidential election on April 9. Yemen will hold Parliamentary elections on April 27. Iran votes in June. So does Lebanon. The Palestinians are due for a vote or two before the year is out.

[Update Feb 11: For final official ballot tallies, click here.]

Tuque Souq 2009 Israeli Election Preview

We don't want to fear-monger and tell you to pack your bags and head for the hills (of Jordan), but polls open in Israel in less than 48 hours and things ain't looking so good. While last-minute surveys hold that the Likud Party remains in the lead for the throne, it has become startlingly clear that the coveted princess of this election is not Benjamin Netanyahu but Avigdor Lieberman.

Lieberman (pictured) leads the far-right, secular-nationalist, pro-transfer party called Yisrael Beitenu ("Israel is our Home"). In recent weeks, his iron-fist rhetoric in post-war polling among voters has led many to conclude that the balance of power in the next Israeli government will be wielded by a racist who advocates the mass expulsion of Arabs from all of Israel.

Before we get to further analysis, here is a breakdown of the current standing of Knesset parties (blue indicates parties in the current coalition govt), and a poll prediction for Tuesday's vote.

Current Knesset:
Kadima 29 seats
Labor 19
Likud 12
Shas 12
Yisrael Beitenu 11
Nat'l Union/NRP 9
Pensioners 7
United Torah Judaism 6
Meretz-Yachad 5
United Arab List 4
Hadash 3
Balad 3

Latest Poll Prediction:
Likud 26 seats
Kadima 23
Yisrael Beitenu 19
Labor 17
Shas 10
Nat'l Union/NRP 6
Meretz-Yachad 6
United Torah Judaism 5
United Arab List 4
Hadash 4

(Notes: With 120 seats in the Knesset, a coalition needs 61 seats to govern. The party that finishes in first place gets first crack at forming a coalition, but if it fails then the runner-up finisher gets a crack. Parties must win at least 2% of the popular vote to qualify for a seat in the Knesset. The Pensioners Party is the latest here-today-gone-tomorrow Israeli party. They came from almost nowhere to nab 7 seats in 2006 and swing Ehud Olmert's Kadima-led coalition. Then the party split, and now it's all but gone.)

Naturally, the poll-leading Likud party is interested in having Lieberman's bloc join it in a coalition government. Things would then get sticky as the religious Shas Party probably wants nothing to do with anti-religion Yisrael Beitenu. So a hypothetical Likud-led government might have to include either Kadima or Labor to add up to a majority of 61.

Ehud Barak's inches-left-of-centre Labor Party is also pulling at Lieberman's sleeve. Kadima smells blood and hopes that enough right-wing fence voters will choose Lieberman over Likud so that Kadima ends up finishing in first place.

Then there's Shas, the Sephardi/Mizrahi ultra-orthodox party, which once upon a time held the fulcrum that Lieberman now wields. Used to be, Shas and its 12-or-15-odd seats would be enough to tip the balance of any coalition, and Shas was usually willing to join any government so long as it secured certain financial and moral guarantees from the government. (Shas is particularly fond of childcare subsidies, since the Haredim have such large families, and it opposes secular marriage ceremonies, which Lieberman staunchly supports.)

Recently, Shas's spiritual leader, the rabbi Ovadia Yosef, warned right-wing voters who sit on the fence between religious and secular that "a vote for Lieberman gives strength to Satan."

Lieberman, true to form, is basking in the glow of all this pre-election pomp. Despite his objectionable, physical ugliness, he's apparently quite popular among young, first-time voters in Israel. And despite his stomach-turning moral ugliness, he's already boasting that in the next Israeli election, his party will win over the most hearts and votes of Israelis.

So will Tuesday really be Avigdor Lieberman's bal débutante? Will Netanyahu get squeezed out between the far-right and the near-right? Will a fourth- or even fifth-place finish spell doom for Labor?

What if Likud and Yisrael Beitenu finish 1-2 but short of a combined majority? Would all the other parties (except presumably the also right-wing NU/NRP) unite to deny Netanyahu and Lieberman a chance at a possibly ruinous government?

Other election news/issues/tidbits culled from the final week of the campaign:

Further-right-than-Lieberman Baruch Marzel will be a poll-station monitor in the city of Umm al-Fahm, Israel's second-largest Arab city, which people like Lieberman and Marzel hope to force its residents to choose between loyalty to Israel and loyalty to Palestine (and expel the latter). This could get ugly.

The aforementioned Shas Party is showcasing its adaptability to the 20th century by promoting the political role of women in the ultra-orthodox community.

Could the Meretz Party, the white doves of the Israeli political flock, be shot down and stuffed for good? Ack, even Ha'aretz has turned on Meretz.

After the Israeli election commission reluctantly lifted its earlier ban on Arab parties participating in these elections, many in Israel's Arab communities are considering a boycott of the polls on Tuesday.

Oh, there are a whopping 33 political parties competing in Tuesday's election. That's a new record, even for a partying electorate like Israel's. The coolest party of the lot:

The Pro-Marijuana Holocaust Survivors Party!!

(This is not a joke. Click here to watch a Holocaust survivor encouraging you to toke up -- at least medicinally.)