tuque /tūk/ n Canadian English, var. toque [19th c. Canadian French, from the French toque, from the Basque tauka] 1 A close-fitting knitted cap, often with a long tapering end or tassel or pompom. 2 fig Something quintessentially Canadian.
souq /sūk/ n from the Arabic سوق var. souk 1 An open-air marketplace. 2 fig A central meeting place for the circulation of news and ideas.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Israel's Rage Against the Machine saves Christmas

Millions of Israeli Jews and the reported Arabs who live amongst them were saved from certain catastrophe this week when Israeli border guards fought and destroyed a deadly intruder to their land.

The laptop computer of 21-year-old American student Lily Sussman was discovered at a border crossing between Egypt and Israel trying to sneak into the promised land under the disguise of an American student's laptop computer.

According to witnesses, Ms. Sussman was carrying the machine--a so-called "MacBook"--on her person as she tried to enter Israel. She was allegedly unaware that her benign-looking companion was actually at the top of Israel's most-wanted list.

"Yeah, we've been looking for that sonofabitch for years," said a spokeperson for Israel's Ministry of Defence Against the Dark Arts. "But all Israelis can sleep soundly tonight. That, er, item will not be threatening us again."

As Ms. Sussman reported on her blog, the Israeli border authorities seized her laptop, dragged it out back and shot it three times. The grieving student concluded that her computer was targeted because of its purported pro-Palestinian keyboard layout ( ضصثقفغ instead of QWERTY), but this blogger senses a more clandestine motive.

The Tuque Souq has learned that the offending laptop computer matches the description of a certain machine that was sent back in time by the leader of a future cyborg insurgency to destroy in the present the mother of the unborn future savior of the planet, who reportedly lives with her husband just outside of Nazareth although she has been seen in the Bethlehem area recently.

"That's one Christmas story that will have a happy ending," said the Israeli soldier wittily as he shot the laptop, before adding, "Hasta la vista, baby."

(The soldier is now being sued by James Cameron for copyright infringement.)


Ashley said...

Awesome post. I've heard that Israel is staying quite busy intercepting shipments of rocks, pebbles and various other types of stones destined for Gaza.

The Tuque Souq said...

Indeed, Israel has a large depository outside of Be'er Sheva where they store all confiscated Palestinian rocks and turn them into sand. Hence, the Negev.