Jesus sees you... and now he will blow your head off

The American military, still involved in two land wars in Asia despite credible advice to the contrary, recently upgraded a crucial part of its arsenal with a little help from the man upstairs.

Jesus--that tireless humanitarian still plugging away at his job despite 2000 years of "Dear Jesus, if you get me outta this jam I promise I'll go to church every Sunday"--has been enlisted to help the American military shoot bad guys, most of whom are reportedly Muslim.

The military contractor Trijicon (possibly a front for Dr. Evil) has produced thousands of rifle scopes for the US and allied infantry, scopes etched with what appears to be serial numbers that all end with JN8:12.

Bible thumpers and fans of the film Shawshank Redemption will recognize this nomenclature as John chapter 8 verse 12: "And Jesus said to them, I am the light of the world; he that follows me shall not walk in darkness but have the light of life."

The rationale for baptizing guns in the sweet water of Jesus' creed: The scope is "designed to function in low light or no light conditions... [and] is ideal for combat due to its high degree of discrimination even among moving targets," said a statement by the manufacturer.

In other words, people who shoot other people are often in the dark and therefore could use a bit of light, light only they and not their enemies can see.

Jesus: better than night-vision goggles, and a whole lot cheaper.

So the American military via its orthodox contractor is hoping to embolden its infantrymen mired in unending, unwinnable wars in Muslim countries by arming them with guns blessed by a deity whose singular message was Love.

Reached for comment, a Pentagon spokesperson was reportedly "disturbed."

Reached for further comment, a Jesus spokesperson was reportedly "not f*cking surprised."