Qaddafi's UN speech hits the mark like no mark has been hit before!

As brevity is the soul of wit, so Libyan leader Colonel Muammar Qaddafi is unwittingly the soul of levity.

Some say 95 minutes is a long time to spend talking to a roomful of world leaders usually known for their quiet, contemplative moods. But Qaddafi broke with the serene norm of United Nations gatherings in a General Assembly address that was as bellicose as it was, well, really really on the mark.

For example, Qaddafi argued that until Europe repays what he estimates is a $7.7-trillion debt to Africa for slavery and what-not, Africans get free passage into Europe and can squat wherever they want. Right on, brother! Stick it to those Eurotrash!

Qaddafi urged the world body to investigate immediately the mysterious deaths of Martin Luther King Jr. and John F. Kennedy. About damn time! Lee Harvey Oswald or Lee Harvey bin Laden?

The Swine Flu, said Libya's leader, is a conspiracy of the big drug companies. Duh! And you know what, "Fish Flu" is next. I dare anyone to bet his life against it!

The UN Security Council, Qaddafi exclaimed with uncanny precision, is really the UN "Terror Council." Natch! I mean, what other organization out there so blatantly overuses the word "terror" now that that Bush dude is gone?

"Jet lag sucks!!" roared the Colonel. Amen!

And, Muammar Qaddafi was the one man who had the courage to say what everyone is thinking but too "diplomatic" to address. (That Israel and Palestine should join together in one binational state? No, plenty of people have argued that. Although Qaddafi's proposed name--"Isratine"--is just effing lame.)

No, Qaddafi had the cojones to say that Barack Obama should be President-for-Life. Admit it, even you've thought about it.

Stephen Harper stung by Qaddafi snub

Prime Minister Stephen Harper is reportedly "bummed out" and "really freakin' cheesed" at not receiving an invitation to Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi's 40th anniversary party last week in Tripoli.

To celebrate the fortieth birthday of his own revolution Qaddafi feted himself with a multi-million-dollar soiree, which featured hundreds of dancers, fireworks, acrobatic airplanes, mock hangings, and a so-called Gallery of Grotesques.

Among the invitees who RSVP'd an enthusiastic 'Yes' were such luminaries as Zimbabwean ne'er-do-well Robert Mugabe, the indicted-for-genocide Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir, Somali Pirate cartel bossman Mohamed Abdi Afweyne, and Venezuealan leader Hugo Chavez who was spotted gettin' jiggy with something on the VIP stage.

According to a source in the vicinity of 24 Sussex Drive, Mr. Harper was especially looking forward to a ride in Qaddafi's famed Rocket Car, which the Libyan dictator gave himself as a gift on his 30th anniversary back in 1999 and whose mass production was supposed to transform Libya into the supersonic-automobile powerhouse of the world. (Unconfirmed reports noted there were at least a dozen pre-orders from Wayne Enterprises.)

According to the Government of Canada's website, Canadian-Libyan relations are pretty much at an all-time high. Canada imports almost $16,000 worth of Libyan products each year, which makes up 0.000015% of Libya's GDP. Canada's current foreign direct investment in Libya is described as a whopping "n/a".

With all this goodwill and free-wheeling spending, Mr. Harper was positive he'd receive an invitation to Qaddafi's big show. Some political insiders are already suspecting domestic political sabotage, including but not limited to Michael Ignatieff impersonating Stephen Harper at the post office, Michael Ignatieff impersonating Muammar Qaddafi and making prank phone calls uninviting the prime minister, and Michael Ignatieff impersonating Hugo Chavez and dancing all over Qaddafi's stage.

In related news, Canada is gearing up for another election. Qaddafi hopes to be invited.

Qaddafi defends a woman's right not to be a man

Today's Arab woman is not an ottoman, echoed one of the messages of Libyan dictator Colonel Muammar Qaddafi on his recent history-making visit to Italy.

The colonel excoriated his fellow Arabs who treat women as "pieces of furniture which you can change when you want, and no one will ask you why you have done it."

This quip, delivered to an audience of more than 1000 Italian women whose audience the Libyan leader requested on his official state visit, earned Qaddafi praise from some Italian women's rights groups, who declined to specify exactly which Arabs they believed the colonel was talking about.

In related news, Qaddafi arrived happily in Rome escorted as usual by his all-female bodyguard corps; it is not known exactly what rights this particular women's group has vis-a-vis the colonel.

"There is no difference between men and women on a human level," Qaddafi said to his audience, before adding an explanatory self-contradiction: "God made men and women, we must respect the differences between the sexes."

Mara Cafagna, a former beauty queen and topless model who now happens to be Italy's Minister of (ahem) Equal Opportunities, was quite taken with Qaddafi's message of women's liberation. Qaddafi's speech is "a strong clear message against the abuse of women," she said.

But other women in Qaddafi's audience were skeptical, noticing that Qaddafi's bodyguards--far from traditional notions of military protocol--spent most of the time serving their boss drinks.

"He really is on a different planet," said one female guest at Qaddafi's event. Natch!

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, himself an assiduous defender of a woman's right to bare arms (et cetera), showered Qaddafi with the kind of attention he usually reserves for 18-year-old models. And as a result all this political canoodling between the two great lovers of women, all Italians should benefit from lower fuel and electricity bills in the near future.

Qaddafi concluded his speech to the gathered audience of Italian women by asking rhetorically, and referencing a policy that is only applied in Saudi Arabia among Arab countries: "Why should these [Arab] women have to apply to the head of state for the right to drive a car?"

The audience, noted a report from the Guardian, applauded politely,

Then Qaddafi lost them when he added: "This is a matter for their husbands or brothers [to] decide."

As the booing and hissing dislodged him from the rest of his speech, a smiling Qaddafi invited everyone present to visit Libya whenever they wanted, and quickly left the stage.

Qaddafi prepares to take over world (body)

Passport? Check. Suitcase? Check. Enemies list? Ticked. Billion-dollar frivolous lawsuit for defamation of character? Check.

Muammar Qaddafi, officially Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution--whose career trajectory has now passed the orbits of army Colonel, revolutionary hero, dictator, scion of pan-Arab nationalism, patron saint of international terrorism (or, depending on your outlook, freedom fighting), and leader of all Africa--will complete his dream for global dominion when Libya assumes the presidency of the United Nations General Assembly later this summer.

(Look out, Mr. Universe.)

Any doubt that Qaddafi is adapting to his burgeoning status as global alphadog with anything but grace was euthanized by his filing of a one-billion-dollar lawsuit against a Ugandan tabloid--The Red Pepper--which recently suggested that the Colonel has had a steamy affair with that country's Queen Mother.

(Qaddafi also has outstanding lawsuits pending against unflattering newspapers and journalists in Niger, Algeria and Morocco. Next up may be Zimbabwe, whose press has lampooned the Libyan leader for throwing a tantrum when, upon arriving for an official state visit in South Africa, Qaddafi was greeted by South Africa's minister of culture instead of incoming president Jacob Zuma.)

“We stand by the story,” said Red Pepper editor Ben Byaraba, “and we are waiting for Qaddafi to stand in court to accuse us of writing that he is engaged in the sex scandal.”

Should worse come to worse, of course, the newspaper--nay, the country--would not be able to pay off Qaddafi. Uganda's per-capita GDP is about $1100, which means Qaddafi may have to accept 909,090 average Ugandan citizens in lieu of a cash settlement.

DOING AMERICA'S LAUNDRY
All kidding aside, the recent mysterious death of a Libyan opposition leader suggests Qaddafi is getting cozier with America ahead of what is sure to be a spectacle of his addressing the United Nations General Assembly later this year.

The death in a Libyan prison of Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi just weeks after he was visited by reps of Human Rights Watch has raised the alarm that Qaddafi is doing America favours ahead of Libya's formal welcoming back into the society of Western-friendly nations.

Al-Libi, a member of an Islamic opposition movement to Qaddafi's rule, was renditioned and tortured in Egypt under the auspices of the CIA where he produced forced confessions linking Saddam Hussein to al-Qaeda of the sort that the Bush administration needed to justify its 2003 invasion.

He was then repatriated to Libya, where Qaddafi--no friend to Islamists anyway--locked him up at the request of the American government. Then came the Human Rights Watch visit, worries that the Obama administration is having trouble putting the Bush administration's record to rest, and (presto!) al-Libi's sudden, apparent suicide.

Cavorting with HRW is just the kind of thing that would embarrass the US and jeopardize its plans to use Qaddafi as a proxy for a new, softer kind of imperialism. A redeemed Libya heading the UNGA looks tolerable on America's ledger. A Libyan who can't keep his mouth shut about torture does not, and Qaddafi won't abide such defamation of his character.

Would Qaddafi kill to take over the world?

More Tuque Souq coverage of the Lightness of Being Qaddafi

Qaddafi chosen leader of all Africa after near no-show vote

Over the din of a few groans from fellow African leaders and dignitaries, Libya's Muammar Qaddafi was selected as the new head of the 53-member African Union yesterday.

The AU presidency revolves regionally, and it was North Africa's turn. Either no one else from the region (Mauritania, Morocco, Tunisia, Algeria) wanted the job, or Qaddafi fiendishly told his fellow North Africans that the vote was scheduled to take place at the bar around the corner.

Either way, Qaddafi is now technically Africa's highest-ranking political figure.

The Colonel is anxious to get to work in his new role, promising to accelerate the formation of a "United States of Africa."

"I hope my term will be a time of serious work and not just words," Qaddafi said in his inaugural speech.

Though AU prez has no real power over the sovereignty of each of its individual members, he does play an important role in directing Africa's relations with the world's other political and economic blocs, and in resolving intra-African disputes.

Right now that means Qaddafi will play a role in resolving political unrest in Mauritania and Madagascar, to name two, and in fighting AIDS, poverty, corruption, economic exploitation... oh and that unresolved thingy in Darfur.

Is Muammar up to the challenge?

Classic Qaddafi on YouTube: 1991 interview on Channer TV

YouTube was made for a man like Libyan leader Col. Muammar Qaddafi, whether it's that time he pitched a Bedouin tent inside the Kremlin, or that time he showed up in the Ukraine with an all-female bodyguard corps, or that time he was offering his exegesis on the Holy Books when he randomly threw in the line: "...in Scandinavia, women are naked."

But one of the best finds is this one: A full hour devoted to Libyan leader Colonel Muammar Qaddafi, recorded back in the summer of 1991, and broadcast on Channer TV, the DIY news show by Harold Hudson Channer, the Larry King of lefty public access television. (Obviously if Larry King were a lefty, he'd be on public access too.)



And now, to save you having to watch the full hour, the Tuque Souq happily presents a blow-by-blow rundown of this "Conversation with Channer."

0:00-8:44
Channer's laborious introduction of the program, the country of Libya, and just what is meant by "Jamahuriyya." The host starts to betray his man-crush on Qaddafi.

8:44-10:19
Channer introduces Qaddafi, who sits in a tent in the Libyan desert with his hands between his legs, unsure if he's supposed to respond. Hudson asks his first question, and Qaddafi with seemingly unfocused attention listens to his translator.

10:20-16:10
The guy dubbing Qaddafi's voice into English definitely flunked out of comedy school. Qaddafi starts explaining his theory of the 3 natural stages of government, the last and most glorious of which is the jamahuriyya -- the rule of the masses by the masses for the masses, in a participatory democracy rather than a representative democracy. The Colonel is just a wee bit fidgety on his chair (his ADHD is acting up), and the word "people" is used in hilarious excess.

16:11-19:54
Channer looks star-struck as he asks Qaddafi if the latter has trouble elucidating his theory of perfect government for a Western audience. Qaddafi's body language insists that he could care less about the topic of conversation, though the topic has turned to his entire revolutionary ethos - his Green Book. Quintessential Muammar: his manner suggests "Meh, whatever, let's get high in this tent and I'll show you my collection of naughty playing cards."

19:55-25:30
The broadcast returns to the cringingly arid Channer alone in his studio explaining the last bit of the interview, where he also talks briefly about the "Qaddafi Prize of Human Rights," and for some reason this section is spliced with stills of American Indian rights posters. Channer compares the lure of Qaddafi and his theory of participatory government with the so-called Town Hall style of American political organization, the kind which helped propel H. Ross Perot into the 1992 U.S. presidential election.

25:31-32:24
Okay, Channer is by now fully in love with Qaddafi. Even in his dry narrating style, his inflection starts to rise. To Channer Qaddafi is like a cross between Vlad Lenin and John Lennon.

32:25-38:50
Back to Qaddafi in the tent. First question to the Colonel: "Are you optimistic concerning the human prospect?" In his answer, Qaddafi quotes Jesus, and makes Star Wars-like references to the never-ending battle between Good and Evil. We've now fully tipped the comedy scale, yet Qaddafi has started to slouch in his chair as he talks about the necessary downfall of capitalism at the expense of perhaps millions of lives.

38:51-41:30
Qaddafi's attention span is starting to wane as he's forced to answer a question about the machine of capitalism being oiled by the blood of the workers (or something). He inexplicably laughs after overstating the U.S. population, and then interviewer and interviewee cordially agree that there's not much time left for the Revolution to spread across the globe. But Channer is getting more esoteric, and Qaddafi looks like he has to pee.

41:31-46:49
Whoa, the camera angle suddenly changes, and we see a silhouetted Qaddafi from the side, staring out into the vastness of the Libyan desert. The Colonel tries to bring the conversation to a close by saying that if everyone just reads his Green Book, the Revolution will work quite harmoniously. Channer is practically itching to bow and wash Qaddafi's feet, he worships him so much. Then Channer, his hands curled like claws, lays this one-liner: "This time is existential." Qaddafi is nodding.

46:50-49:08
Qaddafi decides that we need to foment a cultural revolution amongst the young people of the world. Channer is just feeding his own ideas about reforming America to Qaddafi, and Qaddafi is very agreeable that America must change. "These ideas must get to the people."

49:09-50:44
Qaddafi abruptly announces: "I think we've had enough for now" and cuts off the interview, stretching his arms behind his head. "But you're most welcome to come back another time if you wish." As they leave the tent and walk into the desert, Channer clearly wants to hug the Colonel. The camera pans away from the two men - perhaps they embrace? Actually, Channer continues to talk but the translator is no longer around, and Qaddafi stares over Channer's head and pretends to care what this funny little bald American disciple is saying about Chinese food or something.

50:45-59:36
A nearly breathless Channer closes with a final, ten-minute panegryic to Qaddafi's Libya, and directs the audience to where they can order their own copy of the Green Book.

Who will be Qaddafi II?

"Constitutions cannot be considered the law of society. A constitution is fundamentally a man-made positive law, and lacks the natural source from which it must derive its justification."
- Col. Moammar al-Qaddafi, from his Green Book (full English translation here), 1975.

"Libya will have a constitution, democracy, elections, like any other country."
- Saif al-Islam al-Qaddafi, son and would-be successor of the Colonel, 2008.

"[No comment]"
- Moatessem al-Qaddafi, other son and would-be successor to the Colonel.

Qaddafi the elder, "Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution," isn't getting any younger. (In fact he's developing that waxy veneer that a lot of Middle Eastern autocrats seem to grow in their old age: Hosni Mubarak, Zine al-Abedine Ben Ali, King Abdullah, Benjamin Netanyahu.)

This posting from Bitter Lemons speculates on who will succeed the Colonel, focusing on 2 of his sons: Saif al-Islam, a reform-minded populist who's apparently well-liked in Western Europe; and Moatessem Billah, a quiet, toe-the-line man who's reportedly a favourite of Libya's power-broking military brass and the rijal al-khaymah - "men of the tent" - the tight circle of influential advisers around Qaddafi.

So will we see a power struggle in Libya when the Brotherly Leader passes on? Will Qaddafi the elder name a successor to his throne before he's gone?

Not too long ago, when Qaddafi was making nice with the West - paying out gobs of money to victims of Libyan-sponsored terrorism, cleaning out his WMD closet, etc - his son Saif was gaining a high profile in Europe carrying out his father's overtures for reconciliation.

But lately the mercurial Moammar has been hanging out in Russia and its former satellites, playing arms dealers off one another in order to get the best deal. And Moatessem has been right by his daddy's side.

Neither son could seize power easily or peacefully without a succession plan. Yet Qaddafi, even after all these years in power - he's the longest-serving head of government in the world - still seems more concerned about his wardrobe than his next of kin. It'll be hard for Qaddafi's death to be more intriguing than his life; maybe his reluctance to name a Crown Prince is his way of spicing up his future funeral. A war of desert roses?